Destructive Apathy

Health Summit Hangover

2010-03-02T20:02:00Z

Holy shit. Two media posts in a row. Someone at this keyboard is clearly getting ready for grad school. Truth be told my original inspiration for writing material when I started this mess has has dwindled a bit lately. My road trip was cut short and I haven't had any strange dating stories, pretty much all that's left for me is to sit here and watch The Daily Show and scream PREACH ON BROTHER JON STEWART.

Screw it, when you're rollin', you're rollin. Everyone gets angry, and some people take out their frustration on small animals and World of Warcraft. I take it out on my keyboard.

I actually managed to watch a considerable amount of the health care summit. I was probably for the first time in quite some time, encouraged by our government...sort of. It's like watching a fat kid in the batting cages. He's swinging wildly at everything, but every once in a while he'll connect with a pitch and you'll think, well if he keeps at this for a few more years he might bat 8th in a park district softball game.

I felt pretty sorry for Obama. There he is, frustrated, trying every tactic he can to just get congress to accomplish something. And instead of producing a bill, all they are doing is sitting there bitching about it. Its honestly like trying to keep a meeting on track for your extra curricular while you decide on a T-shirt. Except it's not a T-shirt. It's the most important issue in the United States right now.

I try not to tow a party line if I can avoid it, but sometimes its inevitable. So, I'm going to just say it. The republicans are irritating the shit out of me right now. Every GOP at that table said. "let's start over, we're not happy with this." You know what guys, how about this? Fuck you. You've had long enough to do it, and you should have done it right the first time. Quit whining.

You start over, and nothing will ever get done. I'd rather the bill have flaws then not exist at all. I believe the great Nike once said, just do it.

And Eric Cantor, you're a moron. If we had the best health system in the world you wouldn't be sitting in the Blair House debating over ways to fix it. You just happen to have the best health care because you have health insurance furnished by the federal government. Anyone who thinks our current system is fine, and that the rest of the world looks to America as an example is a blithering idiot. The kind of idiot who probably wanders through Walmart for fun, and the only time they left the country was to go to Cozumel for spring break.

But look, elected officials will always say stupid things that defy the imagination. What I found most reassuring about this, was that on several occasions, I saw Obama snap at someone. I saw arguing. We need to have more of this. Arguing is productive.

I have a suggestion to make this meeting more effective: Turn the cameras off.

Turn them off for two reasons.

One, I don't want anyone feeling like they need to be overly civil with each other, and just repeat the talking points that got them elected to keep their constituents happy. They should be arguing. Arguing gets shit done. If it means you have to turn the cameras away so you can feel free to say, hey Dick Durbin, shut your pie hole, your idea isn't going to work because of xyz. Then do it!

These are decisions that literally will effect the life and death over 300 million people. This should be a heated discussion. There is difference between respectful and being timid. Cordiallity will not get things done. Bluntness does.

The other reason this shouldn't be telecast is because the mass media is going to do everything they can to undue the progress you might have just made--thanks to the sports frame mentality. No matter what the medium, when you tell a story, you do it with a voice, intentionally or not. Personally, I chose to tell my stories with the annoying-shit-of-a-dude voice of a guy who sits in the back of the room and says stuff that you either hate to agree with, or feel guilty laughing at. The problem is that we live in de facto two party political system in the US. Naturally political discourse gets framed like a sporting event, or "sports-frame" as crotchety old media professors call it. Its 2 parties, 1 vs 1. It's sport. The question isn't which side is doing this, which side says what, but which side wins.

Alright CNN, I'm gonna break this down for you like Jenga. It's not a fucking competition. Politics in America isn't solely a perpetual fight between two ideologies of governance. But why would we assume otherwise when you check the news and see Wolf Blitzer standing between a pundit in a red box, and a pundit in a blue box, trying to score who won.

Turn the cameras off. And fix our health care system for the love of god.

Adbusters FAIL

2010-02-24T04:41:38Z

One of my favorite blogs is Adbusters. Their articles are sharp, articulate, and damn inspiring. They campaign hard as coffin nails against the preponderance of hyper-commercialism, and the pervasiveness of advertising in our society. When Verizon finally tattoos their logo on a baby's forehead, I promise they will be the very first to write about it.

The role of advertising in our society, what is ethical and what isn't, how we treat corporate entities, and the effects these things have on us deserve all the attention they can possibly get. Anyone who has a voice on this issue needs to speak up. Even if it means you write the words MEDIA REFORM in your next Farmville garden. But please for the love god, quit playing farmville.

Despite that, for an organization as socially progressive as Adbusters, I got a bone to pick with them. I want to throw down for a second. In a stern, but let's be friends later kind of way. The kind of fight that you get into with your roommate after he vomits in your bed and pisses in the oven. Sure you might have to give him a swift closed hand crack across the face, but when he wakes up you'll have a laugh about it and he'll clean the oven and wash your sheets.

My beef with them, is that they have endorsed a campaign to remove Glenn Beck off the air:

Stop Glenn Beck. Stop Glenn Beck? No, fuck Glenn Beck.

Look, don't get me wrong. Glenn Beck is a socially awkward, mean sprited little troll. He's the dickhead that sat in the front of your intro to Political Science class and would interrupt the professor 5 times a day, trying to make some unfunny sardonic joke for attention.

"Thomas Jefferson wasn't racist---he had sex with lots of black women!" he'd say.

The professor groans, and you usually write down the joke purely to show your friends what a dickhead he is. Later on Glenn Beck goes out to a bar by himself, tries to pick up an ugly girl, fails, and then passes out after 4 Smirnoff Ices. I've seen it a hundred times. Glenn Beck is a racist, mentally unstable, crybaby piece of shit. He's marginally more articulate then the typical corner crackhead---in fact he's so high strung he went into drug rehab (predictably).

That being said, in principle I can't agree with a campaign to pull him off the air.

Look, Adbusters...let's have a heart to heart. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Pour yourself a nice little snifter of bottom shelf courvosier and take your shoes off. Because I'm about to break this shit down for you like Mr. Kool aid coming to party.

You are ADBUSTERS. Haven't you people heard of media literacy?

Here's the problem, while fighting the good fight, you're on a real slippery slope in hurting our communal right to free speech. Glenn Beck is a bag of dicks, no one is disputing that. But that's all he is, a bag of dicks with his own show. Even bags of dicks should be allowed to say what's on their mind. We don't prejudge your speech in this country. You are allowed to speak, and if it turns out to be some retarded insane banter about God hating sweden, society ignores you, ostrocizes you, and then makes fun of you behind your back.

The punishment for abuse of free speech always should be wrecking the perceived image of yourself or your cause, not restriction of further speech. If you don't want people to think you are a bag of dicks, don't say things that a bag of dicks says.

I'm a firm believer in the 1st amendment. I think even the most socially repugnant, uneducated, dimwitted bigots should be able to say whats on their mind. (After all I'm allowed to say what's on mine right?)

Trying to remove him from the air because he says things that you don't like is the wrong way to go about this. Adbusters, you're a media company, just like Fox network. What gives you the right to publish, and them not to broadcast? I know, it sucks. Slippery slope is a bitch. But like I said, I want us to be friends after this, so let's get back to the right solution to our Glenn Beck problem.

Media Literacy. Focus your efforts on Media Literacy. Glenn Becks audience knows he is outlandish. They might not know that he is an actor. Glenn Beck is playing the part of the obnoxious pundit because people watch him to see what he might say next. It's the same mentality that gets viewers to tune in to Jersey Shore. Nobody watches the show because they like or respect the characters, but goddamn it's entertaining to watch stupid people get drunk and act like morons. That's the best part about having a balcony with a view in college.

Taking Glenn Beck off the air is no different than trying to get HBO to remove the Sopranos from syndication because you don't like seeing Tony kill people.

But maybe you would say, hold up. Glenn Beck is on Fox News. They are a news organization. Not an entertainment company like HBO is? Wrong. It's 2010, time to wake up and smell the paradigm shift. News IS entertainment.

Adbusters, I'm saying this out of love. You guys are smart enough to use your resources to do what's needed in this world of greyed lines between ugly pundits and genuine journalism.

You want to take away the power of someones speech? Quit listening to it. In college, there were these religious zealots who would stand on our quad with giant signs telling us that we were going to hell. Personally, I don't think a college career littered with drinking and swearing is anywhere as close to damning as trying to tell another person how to live their life with fear tactics, but hey---free speech.

Believe me, mothing was more satisfying then watching students in between class walk right past these people, going about their business and ignoring their idiotic diatribe, while they stood in the sun for 8 hours looking like jackasses.

If people are educated enough to understand that Glenn Beck is no different from any other television character, they will quit watching him. And Glenn Beck will go away. It's time to shift tactics Adbusters. Media Literacy. It's the only way.

Neat--uh, picture of your cat on Facebook...

2010-02-17T20:49:26Z

I've written about this before in the more abstract sense, but I think I need to reiterate the literal translation. Please. Stop talking about your cats.

My god--what has the evolution of communication technology come to? I have the ability to contact the entire world from my fingertips. I can post something accessible to anyone with an internet connection across the globe in seconds and I can even be naked from the waist down while I do it. (I usually am when I write). Yet despite this leap in human technological innovation, it's wasted on talking about your cat. Hell, I'll be the first to admit that the banter I spew on this website is marginally entertaining at best, but still deep down I'd like to think my Gorax story affected at least one person. It takes a village right?

But no one in the history of the internet has ever cared about your cat. No one.

The next time you think about clogging up your facebook page with pictures of your "babies" (cats.), or writing some blog post about that-oh-so-cute-thing your cat did, I'd like you to keep the following facts in mind:

Fact. Cat's aren't children. You aren't your cat's mommy. At best, your cat looks at you as a source of food and provider of shelter. Believe me, the second your "child" has an opportunity to run away to someone else's houses with better canned tuna, a bigger litterbox, and more expensive shoes to barf in, he is GONE. To prove my point, leave your door wide open some day and see if your cat decides to leave "mommy."

Fact. Cats vomit on furniture and shit in a box in your living room. I've had some pretty crazy roommates in my life. I lived with a guy who punched his fiance. I lived with a dude who intentionally set my apartment on fire......

The night of the infamous party. That would be my dickhead roommate who "surreptitiously" set our furniture ablaze.

Yet I still wouldn't tolerate living with someone who poops in my living room and pukes wherever the hell he pleases. That kind of behavior quit being funny after college. If I have to put up with that, then they better at least pay part of the rent.

Fact. Cats do not make you more attractive to men. In fact, it's just the opposite. They shed everywhere. I can't tell you how turned on I get when I meet a girl whose clothes are covered in cat fur. Then 9 times out of 10 she will refer to her cat (or cats..ugh) as her baby and talk about the little bastard like she carried him for 9 months and went through 48 hours of drug-free labor. When I hear this, all that goes through my head is: Back...away...slowly...don't...make...eye..contact...

My friend has a cat, that is such a little pain in the ass that he has to cover his couches with sheets of tin-foil just so the cat doesnt piss on them. It works pretty well---but I have an even better idea.

Why don't you try getting rid of the cat? Kick his arrogant ass to the curb and make him appreciate how good he had it. That's called natural selection.

On the other hand, I met a guy one time who told me about what the redneck side of his family does on their farm. (These stories often involve alcohol and firearms.) Apparently for fun, they roll out a saucer full of cream, sit on the porch drinking Jack Daniels, and blast any barn cat that comes out with a 12 gauge shotgun. Granted barn cats are significantly more ill-tempered than your common house cat. They'll scratch and bite the hell out of you if somehow manage to get close enough to pet one. But none-the-less this sounds like some pretty progressive thinking. Wisconsin came pretty close to legalizing cat-shooting.

One time when I was a kid, my grandpa gave me a shiny present. I opened the box with anticipation, hoping for Lego's or Ninja Turtles. But there in the box lay something much more coveted. It was a stuffed cat toy. Except it was only about a quarter inch thick and it had little X's across its eyes, like it just got ran over by a Hummer. My grandpa said, "Look! It's Flat-Cat!" Then he went on to teach me a very important lesson. He said, "Grandson, the best kind of cat, is a dead cat." What can I say, I guess my family aren't exactly cat-people.

But hey----this is a free country, and if you want to live with some freeloading couch-pisser who hawks up hairballs in your bed, who am I to castigate you for doing so?

However, for the sake of the internet, I beg you.

Stop telling me about it.

A review of Destructive Apathy? Whaaaaa?

2010-02-12T20:49:42Z

So this website got reviewed this week.

And yes, I'll admit---I volunteered. Sometime 6 months ago while I was perusing the interwebs and feeling like I could use some criticism in my life I signed up for the chopping block at Iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com. Sounds like a place to go for some positive energy right? I think it was one of those nights when I was stuck in Memphis with nothing but my laptop and some ice cold Colt 45.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive are sort of like the Simon Cowell of the blogosphere, brutal with their merciless criticism yet fair. Laying down the law, in the internet land of the lawless.

But I have to say, for what I think is probably one of the better collections of writing talent on the internet, you still are XXXX.blogspot.com? Ever hear of GoDaddy? 12 bucks a year people, get a real domain. I'll even donate to the cause. Where's the paypal link?

My reviewer was the witty, sharp tongued, and sexually frustrated Rassles.

Here's what she had to say about me:

Dartboard, you're still annoying. Go fuck yourself. I don't want to give you any stars, but I’m going to, because you're funny enough and good enough of a writer. But seriously, go fuck yourself.

How about this: I want you to go fuck yourself, and then I want you to call me and tell me exactly what you were thinking about while fucking yourself. Okay? Fine.

I recommend reading the whole review. It had me spitting up my coffee yesterday (in a good way).

Or if you want me to paraphrase, they think I suck at editing (I do), I'm an insufferable douchebag (I am...or at least the Dartboard in me is), yet find my writing and doodles annoyingly arousing (Sha-wing). Rassles even has admitted she wants to shamefuck me. I don't know if I should be pissed, terrified, or flattered. I'm leaning towards terrified on account that she is suffering from the shingles---- a condition common in the elderly. Woof.

Overall, I'm pretty excited about this appraisal. Deep down behind the keyboard of Dartboard, there is a wilted soul of a man who craves validation and praise, even if its backhanded and hugged with numerous calls to "go fuck yourself." Plus I got 3 stars, and I could have just gotten a kick in the pants or a burning middle finger. I think I read someplace that if you are writing on the internet, and aren't pissing someone off, you're doing it wrong. Then again there is a fine line between pissing someone off, and everyone off. Meh.

However a couple of things didn't jive with me on this review.

First, Rassles compares me to Shia LeBouf. Shia LeBouf is a sandy little goonerpuss that ruins every movie he's in. Please, I beg you Rassles. Don't put me and him in the same category. I'll turn this into a website with cookie recipies or pictures of cats hiding in fruit. Whatever it takes.

No man deserves to be compared to Shia LeBouf.

Second, Rassles is bored because I write about customer service and marketing. Well fuck off Rassles. You write about quilting. I consider us even. Although ever since Chris Thomas gangbanged my Illini in 02, splattering a team that was final four bound, I've had a pretty consistent hatred of Notre Dame myself. So, perhaps we can move past our differences and be friends after all.

Go check out Iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com. These people know how its done.

Bitches.

Vista....

2010-02-08T19:11:16Z

Seriously.

I'm done with having to do the ctrl-alt-del bullshit on a daily basis.

The next computer I buy will be a Mac.

The Dynasty of Emperor Jones - Prisons

2010-01-26T21:00:10Z

The year is 20XX. After DestructiveApathy.com rapidly has become the most popular website in the world, the entire population of America has organized itself in support of Dartboard Jones. The revolution was rapid and brutal, but the people have spoken. Dartboard Jones has now become Emperor Jones. He has unlimited, ultimate power over everything. Billions hang upon his every word. The dust settles and the great illustrious Emperor Jones guides us into a new promising future. His wisdom is revered by all, and his brilliance is unquestionable. These are his Imperial decrees:

How I would reform our current prison system - By Emperor Jones

Let's face it. We have too many criminals in this country. According to my cursory scan of a Wikipedia article, there were 2,424,279 people jailed in prison last year. Holy shit! That's like between 1-2% of the whole population depending on who you ask. That's basically the entire city of Chicago---incarcerated. Granted a lot of people from Chicago ARE incarcerated but still. Shit! This is a problem! In my new dictatorship we can't have that! Prisons and the judicial system are expensive! When I'm the dictator, how can I afford to demolish Wrigley field to build a 70 story solid gold statue of Albert Pujols in it's place, if I'm too busy paying for criminals! Dammit! Being a dictator is hard sometimes.

Well, let's think constructively about this one. So there are a lot of people committing "crime" eh? Why do people commit "crime"? I did some more research on this, and by research I had a great conversation with a drinking buddy over about 12 Miller High Lifes. And this is what I came up with.

Most people commit crime because they are stupid. Yeah--I think it's that simple. Tell me this guy isn't stupid. Or this one. Or...ah fuck it, you get the idea. It makes sense to me, I consider myself to be one of the most brilliant people I know. Despite my brilliance, I've been short on cash many---many times. Yet I can't say I've ever entertained the idea of robbing a liquor store for funds. I figure at the most, I'd get $300 bucks out of the heist, and I run the risk of getting shot by the liquor store owner, the cops, and going to jail for 5-7 years. Over $300? Not worth it.

To me it seems much more lucrative to get myself educated and to keep my criminal record clean(with the exception of one slight transgression in college). I figure why only make $300 in a heist, when I can make $35,000 as an entry level cubicle monkey, plugging numbers into Microsoft Excel for 60 hours a week while my soul slowly collapses onto itself like a dying star, just so my conglomerate employers stock will rise .001 points. How the hell am I going to make my condo payments on $300 from a liquor store heist!?! Jesus you guys are dumb! To make things even worse, most of these retards are repeat offenders. That's right, people so stupid that they didn't learn their lesson the first time, that they go back and do it again. And again. And again. The stupid-----it's giving me a terrible migraine. Ugh.

Okay---I see what's up now. Stupidity=Crime. I'll come down from the my dictator tower to rectify this. Since becoming dictator my days are spent killing hookers in Grand Theft Auto and squirting canned-cheese into my mouth, but I suppose even God has to clock in every once in a while. Listen up bitches, here's what we do.

New rule. Prisons are no longer places where you sit around staring at the ceiling, making toilet wine, and coming up with ways to shiv a rival gang member. Nope, it's gonna be a lot worse. In addition to the mandatory prison sentence you must serve there is now a new stipulation you must fulfill before you get let out.

You must have a certified high school education, including at least one AP class. If there's a cure for stupidity it has to be education. Lets face it, before I was able to read entire books in one sitting and writing college papers, I was a goddamn idiot. At one point in time I believed in the tooth fairy. I thought babies came from storks. It took over a decade of education to fix it, but hey! Look at me now!

And that's the point. If you're so stupid that you end up in jail in the first place, and are too stupid to pass my education program, you stay in. Because you'll probably just go off and do something stupid again and wind up back in the klink. Wanna make gang bangers go crazy? Test them on the derivatives of calculus functions, make them write an essay on Chaucer, or produce a fluid-mechanics force diagram. Holy shit, that's brilliant. See it gives them two choices, either stay in jail and remain a moron, or become educated and take away the causation of crime = stupidity.

Then again if that doesn't work, I have my best people working on the Gorax. We'll just feed the criminals to the Gorax and get sponsorships. Oh man that would kick ass.

Alright, enough solving problems for one day. Heavy is the crown right? I'm going to go drink some colt 45 and watch Transformers.

Team Edward vs. Team Jackass

2010-01-19T17:39:49Z

(Editors note: This was rescued from the Destructive Apathy vault, almost lost forever, so pardon the lack of timeliness)

Looking to settle the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob debate?

Well to me the answer is quite clear.

No one cares. Twilight is literary Ebola. Choosing between Team Edward or Team Jacob is like choosing between a bag full of urine or a date with Glenn Beck.

I've written stuff on here that is mean-spirited, political, and borderline mysogenistic. I've told tales of my feeble attempts at drunken womanizing and at this point have used every profane word in the English language, and others too. I've had readers call me an asshole, and some their new God. However I am convinced that nothing will generate as much backlash as the tirade I'm about to drop on Twilight. Go ahead girls, fire up gmail right now and get ready to send me some hate, because I'm going for blood on this one.

My thesis statement : Twilight is complete and utter garbage and no one able to read at a 5th grade level or above, should ever read the books or watch the movies.

Last week I logged on to good ole facebook, and it seemed like the theme of my news feed was something about "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob." There were at least 10 friends, all female, with some iteration of that phrase posted as their status. I was confused, what is Team Edward? It's basketball season now, did it have something to do with that? I know we're gearing up for the primaries soon, maybe a guy named Edward and a guy named Jacob are running for governor? After a quick google search I found out the horrible, horrible truth.

Team Edward and Team Jacob are references to motherfucking Twilight.

That's right. The terrible vampire book and movie series written for Tween girls is insanely popular with mid-20's females. Yes, grown-ass adult women love Twilight. Before someone says, "Well you can't diss it if you've never seen it or read it" crap, know that I've actually read some Twilight.

I read 75 pages of Twilight once on a dare. Wow. I think someone should have given me a book-shaped purple heart for making it that far. I've been more engaged by reading case law then this crap. I was so angry I ate an entire bowl of garlic and shat fire for 3 straight days. True story.

I don't even know where to begin with how bad it is. Literary value? None. I might as well have been reading a TOEFL creative writing essay. Plot? Beyond stupid. Some whiney yatch with serious self-esteem issues falls in love with the social outcast who sits in the back of chemistry class eye-fondling her. Then he stops a car from running her over(and narily redeeming the entire franchise), she gets awkwardly aroused and they end up going to prom and falling in love and making deformed half vampire half human children.

I'm sort of assuming that last part because there was no way I was reading this pile of shit cover to cover. I guarantee it's closer to the truth then what should have happened. If I was writing Twilight that car would have ran her over, backed over her, then ran over her again. And Edward would have been driving it. In my version of Twilight, he isn't Edward the emo-pussy vampire, but Edward the "ruin shit and taking names" vampire. The rest of the book would have been about him massacring the entire state of Washington and him awaking the blood god La Magra to enslave mankind.

I can't think of a worse thing to inject into a vampire movie then mindless teenage romance. Vampire movies are about vampires being pricks and killing hundreds of people until they are stopped by a sunglasses wearing, indignant vampire hunter that sprays the vampire castle with silver tipped machine gun fire(likely Wesley Snipes). Come ON, do I need to write this stuff for you guys?!

If I wanted to get inside the mind of a sexually confused 16 year old girl, I'd peruse the "relationship" section on Yahoo answers or watch "A Walk to Remember." There are few things in this world that I find less interesting then watching some girl debate about her feelings about a guy. Does she like him? Does he like me? Why didn't he talk to me today? Should I talk to him? GAH. Don't care. Really. Don't care! I get enough of that shit when I'm actually dating. How is this entertainment for anyone?

A philosophical question for you. At what age does it become inappropriate to consume media targeted at an age demographic drastically younger than yourself. Would it be weird I routinely watched Sesame street? If I refused to read anything but Goosebumps? Perhaps you may find it strange if I were to say that I only have Kids Bop on my iPod. Well it honestly can't be any stranger then being 28 and sitting in a movie theatre with a bunch of hormone charged 14 year olds drooling over Edward's stupid fake abs while he runs shirtless through a forest like a moron. I'm usually against burning books, but if I could, I'd fuel the next Olympic torch with every copy of this horribly boring book.

And for the record it's not like there aren't books written primarily for a younger audience that adults find entertaining as well. Just not Twilight. Many moons ago I was skeptical about Harry Potter until I agreed to read 75 pages of that book on a dare as well. I did so and have since read them all. I've never dressed up like some retarded wizard to wait in line at a book store, and I've only seen half the movies, so please, don't invite me to play quiddich with you this Sunday. Harry Potter is pretty entertaining, mostly due to the fact that J.K. Rowling has a command over using language to tell a story that gives me half-stiffies just thinking about. I'm not condemning the entire genre of literature, because sometimes the books are remarkable.

But not Twilight, and not Robert Pattersons stupid ass abs.

Now, if you'll excuse me all this talk of Twilight has left me in need of a proper vampire movie fix. I'm gonna go watch Blade.

Don't give in to stupidity and violence

2010-01-02T22:32:54Z

Us here at DestructiveApathy would like to wish a very merry holiday FUCK YOU, to Mr. Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab----the chode that tried to blow up that airplane from Amsterdam to Detroit. Since his name is much too long to print, I will henceforth refer to him as Captain Dipshit. Stupid comes in many varying degrees, but rest assured Captain Dipshit is in the running for dumbest human on the planet. For starters, why would you want to kill a bunch of people heading to Detroit? They have suffered enough already. That's like making fun of someone in a wheelchair. Second, not only are you dumb enough to be a terrorist Mr. Captain Dipshit, but you apparently aren't a very good one. Instead of blowing up a plane, all you managed to do was set fire to your genitals. There's a 7 foot tall con with face tattoos that only goes by Anthrax that can't wait for you to be his new eunuch girlfriend cellmate.

I'm not going to get into his motives because lets face it, anyone who believes extremist Islam cleric bullshit, thinking they are going to receive 70 virgins in heaven/Sopranos DVD box set/a George Foreman grill upon blowing themselves up is beyond stupid. I'm just speculating about the Sopranos thing, I wasn't invited to sit in on that meeting. But the point remains, if you believe this stuff, you are a retard. Not that I'm calling out stupidity on anyone who believes in religion in general. All I'm saying is that, any religion that teaches you that you will be rewarded in the afterlife for murder is a made up bullshit religion. And another thing, don't write me hate mail. I know 99% of Muslims are normal. This is directed at the 1% that make the rest of you guys look bad.

What pisses me off about Captain Dipshit, is that because of assholes like him, all of our lives get worse. Apparently O'Hare is going to start using full body scanners. That means ladies and gents you better get yourself back in the gym, cause these machines are the photo invasive equivalent of a pap smear. Will TSA people be able to see a 3rd model of your balls? Yes. Now look, I'm not arguing for myself. I'm 24 years old, in relatively good shape, and not in the least conscious about my body. But lets face it, time and gravity are bastard teammates when it comes to keeping boobs perky and beer guts concave. Besides the fact that now the creepy TSA guy smelling my laptop gets to start at my gooch in extremely high resolution, it means that this is yet another hassle we need to deal with while traveling.

Isn't security already enough of a pain in the ass? Because of the guy with a she-mullet who will forever be known as the "shoe-bomber", all of us have to take off our shoes. Billions of people shoeless, because of one stupid dickhead. Just you wait until someone hides a grenade in their ass, you better hope that lubricant makes it into the TSA budget that year. My point is this. There will always be an infinitesimally small part of the population who try and commit violence. For all the billions of safe flights there is a teeny tiny chance that someone will try to cause harm to us along the way. Does that mean we should huddle in fear from that happening? Life is dangerous. There are evil people in the world, and nothing can protect all of us from them. Do we need to give up what rights and dignity we hold precious just to raise the percentage of us being safer minutely higher?

Ben Franklin once said, "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." When he said that, I'm pretty sure he meant that he didn't want TSA people staring intently at your buttcrack on a computer monitor.

Look, every time I leave my house, I could get robbed and stabbed. Hell I could get robbed and stabbed IN my house right now. Just because there is a chance, does that mean I should dig out a bunker, stock up on Chef Boyardee, and sit with a loaded shotgun pointed at my front door for the rest of my life? It would raise my chances of not getting robbed a teeny bit higher.

All I'm saying is that I think there is a terrorist somewhere who is happy knowing that airline security is going to get a little more frustrating now.

Don't give in to these guys. And don't be afraid.

Happy Holidays Destructabitches!

2009-12-23T19:50:49Z

Merry Christmas, Happy Chaunukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Xanadu Day, and New Years (Chinese and the rest of the world).

Look for awesome posts, guaranteed to educate, entertain, and in some cases, cause sexual arousal after New Years. In the meantime hold tight while I do the holiday thing and aren't around my computer as often as normal.

American Airlines...it was only a matter of time before you ended up here.

2009-12-18T17:42:35Z

I've been delighted to read about the firestorm brewing from American Airlines bitchy flight attendant threatening to file charges with homeland security because a guy asked for orange juice. It's pretty consistent of the attitude I've encountered from any US based airline stewardesses. (With Southwest being the only exception, you guys kick ass!)

Flying back from Europe last week I got seated in the cranky old hag row. (And not the hot blonde in a mini skirt row, like the week before on RyanAir). Sidenote, is it considered socially unacceptable to decide that a hot italian flight attendant is your soulmate despite not knowing her name, and only speaking the words “may I have another glass of water?” to her? I'm still trying to get over her. Sigh.

In any event, much like the poor sap who asked for some OJ, I made the fatal mistake of making a trivial request.

Me: Excuse me, do you think you could get me a pen, mine died while I was...

Grumpy old hag stewardess: (Interrupting) No! We don't have any pens to give out.

I'm sorry what?

I was baffled. Not 20 minutes earlier the captain told the whole cabin that flight staff would be on hand to ensure we had a pleasant journey. All I needed for a pleasant journey was a teeny little bic. Surely there are some lavish requests out there that appropriately would generate indifference, and perhaps anger from a stewardess. Can I get a free upgrade to first class? Can you bring me a cold case of Coors Light? Do you want to go bang in the bathroom? (That one is more directed towards a member of the RyanAir staff)

But a pen? To not only be shot down, but angrily for such a simple request? What the fuck, American Airlines?

I get it, you want to minimalize the interactions, thats your business style right? Surely an airline company that I imagine at some point wants me to buy a ticket from them again wouldn't staff an aircraft with a bunch of crabby middle aged yatches, trained to say no to everything, yet still emails me on average of 4 times a week right?

Well now I'm all turned around. So American obviously wants me to fly with them, because lets face it, that beef strogonoff isn't going to eat and shit itself out for the next 48 hours. If it were me I think the best way to convince me to fly again would be to facilitate nice friendly interactions when I'm actually on the aircraft, rather then sending me cold impersonal spam email more often then I speak to my grandmother, but that's just me.

I have a couple friendly suggestions for American Airlines.

Stop hiring cranky hags. The only thing the hag in my aisle did was complain to the whole aircraft about doing her job, and acting as the de facto security to the 1st class bathroom. Taking a dump at 30,000 feet is awesome no matter how big the bathroom is. Put a smile on your face, and serve me my shitty beef strogonoff and shut the fuck up about your problems. No one cares. Maybe we'd be more sympathetic but the company you work for just charged us a bunch of arbitrary fees for flying with a bag, and the damn flight is still behind schedule. I'm getting DVT in my legs from how crammed in we are and I'm praying to god my suitcase is on the aircraft with me. You think you're stressed out?
Stop treating people like cattle. I'm going to guess that the reason that hot perky stewardesses turn into the old plane bitch, is because they are on the front lines of an organization who has systematically designed a process that does nothing but piss off its customer base. Hidding fees? Charging me to fly with a bag? Cramped leg room? Never flying on time? Some airlines have even removed a customer support phone number all together. God only knows what will happen to my RyanAir love in 20 years if these trends continue.
Free booze. Honestly, I wouldn't even be pissed about the pen thing if you had handed me a PBR instead. How much would it cost to put 2 cases of those bad boys on any flight? If you buy in bulk I believe it's criminal to pay anything more than 75 cents a case for PBR. Anything more and its way over priced.

You think about that, while I look into booking with Southwest for my next trip.