The year is 20XX. After DestructiveApathy.com rapidly has become the most popular website in the world, the entire population of America has organized itself in support of Dartboard Jones. The revolution was rapid and brutal, but the people have spoken. Dartboard Jones has now become Emperor Jones. He has unlimited, ultimate power over everything. Billions hang upon his every word. The dust settles and the great illustrious Emperor Jones guides us into a new promising future. His wisdom is revered by all, and his brilliance is unquestionable. These are his Imperial decrees:


How I would reform our current prison system - By Emperor Jones

Let's face it. We have too many criminals in this country. According to my cursory scan of a Wikipedia article, there were 2,424,279 people jailed in prison last year. Holy shit! That's like between 1-2% of the whole population depending on who you ask. That's basically the entire city of Chicago---incarcerated. Granted a lot of people from Chicago ARE incarcerated but still. Shit! This is a problem! In my new dictatorship we can't have that! Prisons and the judicial system are expensive! When I'm the dictator, how can I afford to demolish Wrigley field to build a 70 story solid gold statue of Albert Pujols in it's place, if I'm too busy paying for criminals! Dammit! Being a dictator is hard sometimes.

Well, let's think constructively about this one. So there are a lot of people committing "crime" eh? Why do people commit "crime"? I did some more research on this, and by research I had a great conversation with a drinking buddy over about 12 Miller High Lifes.  And this is what I came up with.

Most people commit crime because they are stupid. Yeah--I think it's that simple. Tell me this guy isn't stupid. Or this one. Or...ah fuck it, you get the idea. It makes sense to me, I consider myself to be one of the most brilliant people I know. Despite my brilliance, I've been short on cash many---many times. Yet I can't say I've ever entertained the idea of robbing a liquor store for funds. I figure at the most, I'd get $300 bucks out of the heist, and I run the risk of getting shot by the liquor store owner, the cops, and going to jail for 5-7 years. Over $300? Not worth it.

To me it seems much more lucrative to get myself educated and to keep my criminal record clean(with the exception of one slight transgression in college). I figure why only make $300 in a heist, when I can make $35,000 as an entry level cubicle monkey, plugging numbers into Microsoft Excel for 60 hours a week while my soul slowly collapses onto itself like a dying star, just so my conglomerate employers stock will rise .001 points. How the hell am I going to make my condo payments on $300 from a liquor store heist!?! Jesus you guys are dumb! To make things even worse, most of these retards are repeat offenders. That's right, people so stupid that they didn't learn their lesson the first time, that they go back and do it again. And again. And again. The stupid-----it's giving me a terrible migraine. Ugh.

Okay---I see what's up now. Stupidity=Crime. I'll come down from the my dictator tower to rectify this. Since becoming dictator my days are spent killing hookers in Grand Theft Auto and squirting canned-cheese into my mouth, but I suppose even God has to clock in every once in a while. Listen up bitches, here's what we do.

New rule. Prisons are no longer places where you sit around staring at the ceiling, making toilet wine, and coming up with ways to shiv a rival gang member. Nope, it's gonna be a lot worse. In addition to the mandatory prison sentence you must serve there is now a new stipulation you must fulfill before you get let out.

You must have a certified high school education, including at least one AP class. If there's a cure for stupidity it has to be education. Lets face it, before I was able to read entire books in one sitting and writing college papers, I was a goddamn idiot. At one point in time I believed in the tooth fairy. I thought babies came from storks. It took over a decade of education to fix it, but hey! Look at me now!

And that's the point. If you're so stupid that you end up in jail in the first place, and are too stupid to pass my education program, you stay in. Because you'll probably just go off and do something stupid again and wind up back in the klink. Wanna make gang bangers go crazy? Test them on the derivatives of calculus functions, make them write an essay on Chaucer, or produce a fluid-mechanics force diagram. Holy shit, that's brilliant. See it gives them two choices, either stay in jail and remain a moron, or become educated and take away the causation of crime = stupidity.

Then again if that doesn't work, I have my best people working on the Gorax. We'll just feed the criminals to the Gorax and get sponsorships. Oh man that would kick ass.

Alright, enough solving problems for one day. Heavy is the crown right? I'm going to go drink some colt 45 and watch Transformers.