What is the Gorax you might ask? The Gorax is a mythical creature invented in my mind. The premise of the Gorax is simple. Humans need something that's higher up on the food chain than them. Since humans are probably the best species in the universe at being able to kill things, the Gorax needs to be unkillable.

The Gorax is a giant flying dinosaur lizard monster that breathes fire and shits rifle bullets. The Gorax cannot be caged. The stories of humans trying to cage a Gorax span over many millenia, whose failures are depicted in cave paintings of stick people getting eaten in handfuls like jelly beans by the Gorax. The Gorax has the skin thickness 4 times that of a M1 tank. It is impervious to bullets, fire, siege weaponry, and any type of ballistic missile. A Gorax will only die when it's goddamn good and ready to, usually after raising one young Gorax offspring. We don't know how Gorax reproduce. What we do know is that it isn't sexual and it isn't asexual. The Gorax have the greatest immune system in the world, so chemical or biological warfare is useless. The Germans tried to kill a Gorax in 1914 with several shells of mustard gas but it just made the Gorax angrier so he ate Hitler's entire family. And we all know what happened next.

The only realistic way to kill a Gorax in 2009 is with a nuclear warhead. However the Gorax movements are very unpredictable, and their nesting habits are random at best. Therefore the loss of human life in slaying one Gorax is much too great to take action. Unless the Gorax lives in Iran or North Korea. Because frankly fuck Iran and North Korea. But the Gorax is smart and well in-tune to global politics, so therefore it likely nests in Canada or Denmark.

Many times throughout history, priests, shamans, medicine men, and daytime talk show hosts have tried to reason with the Gorax but were all eaten alive in one mighty Gorax bite. Now you may think, how could humanity survive for so long with the Gorax!? Surely entire societies would have been wiped out by this monster. The have NOT because the Gorax has an extremely restraining appetite. A Gorax is only able to eat one gunsel a day.

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A gunsel is a person who is absolutely worthless to society. For example, while riding the train in St. Louis one afternoon, I came across a gunsel, wearing sandals and knee high socks. He had a bluetooth earpiece in but I guarantee he didn't own a cell phone. He spent most of the train ride talking to himself and calling every white person a "honkey bitch" before he was escorted off by St. Louis' finest. That is a gunsel. Or this guy.

And this one.

You get the idea. Okay proceed.

Now think about this for a second. If we had lets say 5 or 6 Gorax TOTAL roaming around the earth, and they eat one single gunsel every day. Then that means every day 6 of the dumbest most worthless humans in the world will be permanently removed from society. That's a great rate! That's nearly 2,200 people a year! Before any objections are made to the idea of seeing 2,200 people die every year, keep in mind the Gorax is equipped with a very highly evolved moral compass. The truth is, the dumber, more evil, corrupt, and stupid you are--the tastier you are.

If we had the Gorax, this girl would definitely not last the year

Moreover, the bigger impact of the Gorax will fall upon the global human psyche. One cannot afford to be a corrupt politician, because quite frankly, the Gorax will know and then he will eat you. Criminals? Overcrowded jails? In the Gorax language, the penitentiary is just another word for Country Buffet. It's not just a crime deterrent either. You will work hard in school and throughout the rest of your life because the Gorax loves fat stupid bums.

The Gorax also has no patience for political despots, tyrants, or Bill O'Reilly. Kim Jong Il is nothing but sweet Korean BBQ to a Gorax and Ahmadinejad would be delectable in a Gorax pita with some hummus and tahini. Bin Ladin would still taste like shit.

The Gorax could be the greatest thing to ever benefit humanity. Not only will the Gorax ensure a virtually crime free society, and honest political governence, but in the information age, it could lead to a considerable source of income for humanity. Fuck UFC. We have Gorax fights now. Interest in the space program will peak, because truly the only way to escape the Gorax is to leave earth. And television would never be better. Cops? Oh I chortle at that idea. More like Gorax. Now when the cops bust some shirtless guy with a mullet and a crack pipe, they don't just get hauled off to jail and the episode ends. They get sent to the Gorax.

I think I'm on to something here. Who wants to start a new religion with me?