Monday
08Feb2010
February 8 DestructiveApathy Vista....
Seriously.
I'm done with having to do the ctrl-alt-del bullshit on a daily basis.
The next computer I buy will be a Mac.
February 8 DestructiveApathy Tuesday
26Jan2010
The Dynasty of Emperor Jones - Prisons
The year is 20XX. After DestructiveApathy.com rapidly has become the most popular website in the world, the entire population of America has organized itself in support of Dartboard Jones. The revolution was rapid and brutal, but the people have spoken. Dartboard Jones has now become Emperor Jones. He has unlimited, ultimate power over everything. Billions hang upon his every word. The dust settles and the great illustrious Emperor Jones guides us into a new promising future. His wisdom is revered by all, and his brilliance is unquestionable. These are his Imperial decrees:
How I would reform our current prison system - By Emperor Jones
Let's face it. We have too many criminals in this country. According to my cursory scan of a Wikipedia article, there were 2,424,279 people jailed in prison last year. Holy shit! That's like between 1-2% of the whole population depending on who you ask. That's basically the entire city of Chicago---incarcerated. Granted a lot of people from Chicago ARE incarcerated but still. Shit! This is a problem! In my new dictatorship we can't have that! Prisons and the judicial system are expensive! When I'm the dictator, how can I afford to demolish Wrigley field to build a 70 story solid gold statue of Albert Pujols in it's place, if I'm too busy paying for criminals! Dammit! Being a dictator is hard sometimes.
Well, let's think constructively about this one. So there are a lot of people committing "crime" eh? Why do people commit "crime"? I did some more research on this, and by research I had a great conversation with a drinking buddy over about 12 Miller High Lifes. And this is what I came up with.
Most people commit crime because they are stupid. Yeah--I think it's that simple. Tell me this guy isn't stupid. Or this one. Or...ah fuck it, you get the idea. It makes sense to me, I consider myself to be one of the most brilliant people I know. Despite my brilliance, I've been short on cash many---many times. Yet I can't say I've ever entertained the idea of robbing a liquor store for funds. I figure at the most, I'd get $300 bucks out of the heist, and I run the risk of getting shot by the liquor store owner, the cops, and going to jail for 5-7 years. Over $300? Not worth it.
To me it seems much more lucrative to get myself educated and to keep my criminal record clean(with the exception of one slight transgression in college). I figure why only make $300 in a heist, when I can make $35,000 as an entry level cubicle monkey, plugging numbers into Microsoft Excel for 60 hours a week while my soul slowly collapses onto itself like a dying star, just so my conglomerate employers stock will rise .001 points. How the hell am I going to make my condo payments on $300 from a liquor store heist!?! Jesus you guys are dumb! To make things even worse, most of these retards are repeat offenders. That's right, people so stupid that they didn't learn their lesson the first time, that they go back and do it again. And again. And again. The stupid-----it's giving me a terrible migraine. Ugh.
Okay---I see what's up now. Stupidity=Crime. I'll come down from the my dictator tower to rectify this. Since becoming dictator my days are spent killing hookers in Grand Theft Auto and squirting canned-cheese into my mouth, but I suppose even God has to clock in every once in a while. Listen up bitches, here's what we do.
New rule. Prisons are no longer places where you sit around staring at the ceiling, making toilet wine, and coming up with ways to shiv a rival gang member. Nope, it's gonna be a lot worse. In addition to the mandatory prison sentence you must serve there is now a new stipulation you must fulfill before you get let out.
You must have a certified high school education, including at least one AP class. If there's a cure for stupidity it has to be education. Lets face it, before I was able to read entire books in one sitting and writing college papers, I was a goddamn idiot. At one point in time I believed in the tooth fairy. I thought babies came from storks. It took over a decade of education to fix it, but hey! Look at me now!
And that's the point. If you're so stupid that you end up in jail in the first place, and are too stupid to pass my education program, you stay in. Because you'll probably just go off and do something stupid again and wind up back in the klink. Wanna make gang bangers go crazy? Test them on the derivatives of calculus functions, make them write an essay on Chaucer, or produce a fluid-mechanics force diagram. Holy shit, that's brilliant. See it gives them two choices, either stay in jail and remain a moron, or become educated and take away the causation of crime = stupidity.
Then again if that doesn't work, I have my best people working on the Gorax. We'll just feed the criminals to the Gorax and get sponsorships. Oh man that would kick ass.
Alright, enough solving problems for one day. Heavy is the crown right? I'm going to go drink some colt 45 and watch Transformers.
Tuesday
19Jan2010
Team Edward vs. Team Jackass
(Editors note: This was rescued from the Destructive Apathy vault, almost lost forever, so pardon the lack of timeliness)
Looking to settle the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob debate?
Well to me the answer is quite clear.
No one cares. Twilight is literary Ebola. Choosing between Team Edward or Team Jacob is like choosing between a bag full of urine or a date with Glenn Beck.
I've written stuff on here that is mean-spirited, political, and borderline mysogenistic. I've told tales of my feeble attempts at drunken womanizing and at this point have used every profane word in the English language, and others too. I've had readers call me an asshole, and some their new God. However I am convinced that nothing will generate as much backlash as the tirade I'm about to drop on Twilight. Go ahead girls, fire up gmail right now and get ready to send me some hate, because I'm going for blood on this one.
My thesis statement : Twilight is complete and utter garbage and no one able to read at a 5th grade level or above, should ever read the books or watch the movies.
Last week I logged on to good ole facebook, and it seemed like the theme of my news feed was something about "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob." There were at least 10 friends, all female, with some iteration of that phrase posted as their status. I was confused, what is Team Edward? It's basketball season now, did it have something to do with that? I know we're gearing up for the primaries soon, maybe a guy named Edward and a guy named Jacob are running for governor? After a quick google search I found out the horrible, horrible truth.
Team Edward and Team Jacob are references to motherfucking Twilight.
That's right. The terrible vampire book and movie series written for Tween girls is insanely popular with mid-20's females. Yes, grown-ass adult women love Twilight. Before someone says, "Well you can't diss it if you've never seen it or read it" crap, know that I've actually read some Twilight.
I read 75 pages of Twilight once on a dare. Wow. I think someone should have given me a book-shaped purple heart for making it that far. I've been more engaged by reading case law then this crap. I was so angry I ate an entire bowl of garlic and shat fire for 3 straight days. True story.
I don't even know where to begin with how bad it is. Literary value? None. I might as well have been reading a TOEFL creative writing essay. Plot? Beyond stupid. Some whiney yatch with serious self-esteem issues falls in love with the social outcast who sits in the back of chemistry class eye-fondling her. Then he stops a car from running her over(and narily redeeming the entire franchise), she gets awkwardly aroused and they end up going to prom and falling in love and making deformed half vampire half human children.
I'm sort of assuming that last part because there was no way I was reading this pile of shit cover to cover. I guarantee it's closer to the truth then what should have happened. If I was writing Twilight that car would have ran her over, backed over her, then ran over her again. And Edward would have been driving it. In my version of Twilight, he isn't Edward the emo-pussy vampire, but Edward the "ruin shit and taking names" vampire. The rest of the book would have been about him massacring the entire state of Washington and him awaking the blood god La Magra to enslave mankind.
I can't think of a worse thing to inject into a vampire movie then mindless teenage romance. Vampire movies are about vampires being pricks and killing hundreds of people until they are stopped by a sunglasses wearing, indignant vampire hunter that sprays the vampire castle with silver tipped machine gun fire(likely Wesley Snipes). Come ON, do I need to write this stuff for you guys?!
If I wanted to get inside the mind of a sexually confused 16 year old girl, I'd peruse the "relationship" section on Yahoo answers or watch "A Walk to Remember." There are few things in this world that I find less interesting then watching some girl debate about her feelings about a guy. Does she like him? Does he like me? Why didn't he talk to me today? Should I talk to him? GAH. Don't care. Really. Don't care! I get enough of that shit when I'm actually dating. How is this entertainment for anyone?
A philosophical question for you. At what age does it become inappropriate to consume media targeted at an age demographic drastically younger than yourself. Would it be weird I routinely watched Sesame street? If I refused to read anything but Goosebumps? Perhaps you may find it strange if I were to say that I only have Kids Bop on my iPod. Well it honestly can't be any stranger then being 28 and sitting in a movie theatre with a bunch of hormone charged 14 year olds drooling over Edward's stupid fake abs while he runs shirtless through a forest like a moron. I'm usually against burning books, but if I could, I'd fuel the next Olympic torch with every copy of this horribly boring book.
And for the record it's not like there aren't books written primarily for a younger audience that adults find entertaining as well. Just not Twilight. Many moons ago I was skeptical about Harry Potter until I agreed to read 75 pages of that book on a dare as well. I did so and have since read them all. I've never dressed up like some retarded wizard to wait in line at a book store, and I've only seen half the movies, so please, don't invite me to play quiddich with you this Sunday. Harry Potter is pretty entertaining, mostly due to the fact that J.K. Rowling has a command over using language to tell a story that gives me half-stiffies just thinking about. I'm not condemning the entire genre of literature, because sometimes the books are remarkable.
But not Twilight, and not Robert Pattersons stupid ass abs.
Now, if you'll excuse me all this talk of Twilight has left me in need of a proper vampire movie fix. I'm gonna go watch Blade.
